Doubt & Faith

This morning I found myself wondering if I did the right thing by deciding to stay

Granted, this was not a one-man decision, the kids and husband were involved in this process. Yet I have to admit that I believe husband was driven by my and the children’s wants and needs

I find myself questioning everything now. Did I know what that would mean for me in the long-term – the isolation from the family, the isolation here, the additional costs for sending OS to University, the additional costs of sending TA to this private school.

Of course I thought about all of this. We thought about all of this – long and hard. Back then it looked like the only / best option for us.

But I question.

Will I be able to afford keeping one son at a private school and sending another son to Varsity? Will I be able to cope for who knows how long being the breadwinner? Can I deal with not having someone (other than husband) I can turn to voice my concerns, to vent, to have fun with? Can I cope with not having my family around for years to come? Can I cope with husband possibly not finding work? Have I made the right decision? Do I have what it takes to make a success here, with this cesspool of piranhas?

What have I done???

I get an icy cold feeling every time I think of that. I have taken on more than I can handle. Why is this such an issue now?

The only answer is – the honeymoon phase is over, now reality sets in. Since I’ve been so busy with finding a house, and all the logistics around moving, I’ve not really had time to contemplate all of this

And I am scared shitless. I worry.

I know this is all a little too late, and that we have to make it work now. There’s really no option to go back – I have no job in ZA, BH is not guaranteed of getting a job there. We will have to spend a fortune to go back. That thought really scares me.

I’m not a weakling. I’m made of strong material. But even I have to admit that this is all a bit too much for me to cope with at the moment. And what, do I ask myself, will help me cope better?

I was about to say “I don’t know”, but then I stopped, and realised…I do know.

I might not have all the answers all the time, but I have faith that it will work out. I have faith.

Like everything else in my life, every other time I was faced with a crises of galactic proportions – my faith got me through it. God got me through it.

I (literally) just heard a voice in my ear saying “What are you doing? Why are you panicking like this? It will all be ok.”

I took a breath, and now I am calmer. That panicky feeling is gone. Who knows how long, right? But I have to remind myself of this light-bulb moment. I’m not alone. I don’t have to do this alone.

Granted, it might not all be ok today, or tomorrow, or the day after. But I have faith that it will be ok. I don’t expect to get everything handed to me on a platter. I will work for it. And we will be ok.

Faith – isn’t it amazing?

Going Batty?

I have been rather absent. There’s been so much goings-on in my dreary life, that I just couldn’t muster the time to maintain my blog.

In the past few months I’ve had to move house, I’ve gone through a restructuring at work, oldest son has graduated from school, I’ve become a semi-permanent citizen of the EU states. And oh yeah, I’m full on into The Crises.

Through all of this, I have remained calm, controlled, strong, collected. Gone through each and every change methodically, with clear-cut precision. A pillar of reliability.

Super Woman

(please note – no swearing)

And now that all the upheaval is behind me, I should be relieved, stress-free. Relaxed.

Instead, I feel…well, lost. In limbo. Like something is missing. And frustrated. Mad as hell. At no-one in particular. At everyone in general. I think I’m losing my marbles.

Me, Crazy? Nah

I guess after months of being so…held together, keeping everything under control – making sure BH and kids are sorted, cared for, organising the move, the electricians, the painters, the cleaners – I find it a struggle to now adapt to the new situation.

And all of this leads me to have less patience than I normally have. I am less tolerant than I normally am. Which is not much under normal circumstances.

(again – please note the lack of swearing)

Now the vent.

On good days I cannot tolerate people who criticise (anyone/anything) without having a clue. With my newfound battiness, it’s ten times worse. If you expect me to do stuff, and then crit me for not doing it a specific way, or not arranging it for a specific day, then I feel you should shut your big fucking mouth and fucking-well do it yourself.

If you have a better idea, then fucking-well shut up and just do it. Don’t crit me when you are sitting on your fat ass doing fuckall, except stuffing your mouth like a pig and watching TV. Same goes for the little pricks that pass for my kids.

And don’t make conversation just for the sake of talking. Whatever you have to say must be bloodywell useful or interesting, or have the potential to make a difference in my day. If none of the above applies – shut your trap.

I’m sick and tired of being needed, being depended upon. Can’t anyone fuckingwell do anything on their own without involving me in every itty-bitty-shitty detail or decision in their lives?? When do I get to ask for help, huh??? Noooo. Never. It’s bloodywell unheard of.

I’m sick and tired of the pressure. I just want to breathe. I just want to not worry about every fucking thing. I want a normal fucking life, where I can rely on other people for a change. I want someone else to take responsibility and make some decisions for a change.

I’ve had enough of all this shit.

I need a holiday, and I need it bloodywell quickly, before I completely lose all my marbles.

Not Loony

PS: I don’t think I got my point across. I will have to try again next time 😉