… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

Posts tagged ‘life’

My Spotty Memory

I wish I could say that my spotty memory is due to middle age, but alas, that would be the easy way out, and hell, will I EVER admit to something like that?? NO!!! ;p.

I noticed over a decade ago that I was starting to “miss” a few details in my dreary life. Heck, sometimes I think I’m missing days if not weeks in my dizzy existence.

People – friends, family, even colleagues – would be sharing anecdotes about this-that-or-the-other, and I will be like “Nah, don’t remember it“. Some of the stories they would share, would get reactions of “What?!?! I would never….!!!!” from me, because it just sounded like something that I would never do or say. And the looks of sheer perplexion on these loved one’s faces that I could ever forget such details…..how should I feel, eh??

Of course, the family – being Boo and Boys – just completely take advantage of my cagey memory, and definitely take as many chances as they can in order to
1. get away with murder
2. make me feel bad
3. get something out of me
4. get away with murder
Opportunists. I like it.

Admittedly, my memory is hazy, but I hate anyone trying to take me for a ride because of it. Hence I don’t let on that I have absolutely no freaking clue what people are on about. If I’m not sure about what they are talking about (i.e. have no cookin’ clue), I would just make non-committal noises, e.g “Oh…yes…hmm…ya…” or whenever I can, try to get more details to jog the brain, such as “I don’t exactly recall, can you refresh….” That works like a charm. Most of the time. Other times I just get the evil eye from people, you know that “She’s missing the whole box of screws…” -look. Yeah, I’m crazy alright.

But, it is embarrassing at times too. When I can’t remember people who I met last week. Or what I said to someone-or-another at a party. Or if I can’t remember what I did a few days ago, after breakfast. I sometimes miss hours of my day. Horrible, isn’t it??

On the flip side, there are things that I remember as clearly as the day it happened. Go figure. I can’t say if it’s something about the event, the person, or my state of mind at the time. There is just absolutely no pattern there. If there was a pattern, I would cling to it like a lifeline, and use that in order to hold on to memories, to details. Alas. No such luck.

I just worry that I will forget completely. Forget the wonder of the boys growing up – the first time they really looked and recognized me as their mom, their first smiles, their first hugs and kisses, the first day at school, losing their first teeth. It’s already starting to get foggier.
That fills me with dread. That I may be left with nothing to remind me of the best times in my life

I think I should write this in a memoir.

To make sure that I have something to remember.

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Reinventing Myself

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve last posted. Bet my followers thought “that’s it, she’s done, she’s gone and lost it”.

Well, actually, I lost it before I left….(<—that totally makes sense, doesn't it)

Guess I needed time to refocus, regroup, “re-whatever” in order to “get back, get sane(r) and on track”. It wasn’t intentional to be MIA for so long. Things just happened.

This past year has seen many changes. I’ve been to South Africa for about a month, it was fantastic. I’ve travelled here and there, for work, for personal pleasure. My older son has finished school. My other son started a German school at the ripe young age of 16 (<<< more stress). Husband (finally) completed his degree (yay)…There've been changes in the work front. There's been some bad things too – at a point I really could've done without – but that's life, eh. Just kicks you when you're down. I will not dwell on this now, this is fodder for a next post….

I've realised that what I've experienced was not so crazy and out of the ordinary at all. Many women face such challenges, and deal with it. Some deal better than others I guess. I fall in the "other" category :p

Now that I've accepted these challenges as my new reality, I am better, and stronger. Can't beat a good woman, eh? And I've decided – hell, yes – I am superwoman, and I'm bad-ass to boot 🙂

SuperWoman on 'roids

So here I am, back and wanting to reinvent myself. Not become someone else, but become a better me. Be less stressed, freak out less about the stupid things that tend to piss me off so much. Be more patient. Be a better wife and mom.

It’s like asking for the moon, right.

Here goes nothing….

“Kullid Kultcha”

I said my next post would be something positive, and lo and behold…this is IT!! Enjoy 😉

I have been naafi (melancholic, off-sorts, upset, insert more negative emotions here) on-off over the past few months. No specific reason. Just some life-changing decisions we’ve had to make, my health issues, my personal issues.

I think I’ve just been a bitch and I need to stop it. Lighten up. Have some fun.

And I started thinking of what I am leaving behind….which alternately makes me sad, but also happy, and proud.

I have been reflecting on our mannerisms and “traditions” that makes us who we are. “Us” being the “Kullids” (Coloured is the PC-word) in South Africa. The little things that make up our “Kultcha” (that’s how we pronounce it), our identity, the way we talk, how we socialize, and township living.

One of the things I remember with a smile on my face is the “groente karretjie” (veggie carts) that used to do the rounds every Sunday – up and down the streets they would go, honking their horns to let us know what they have to sell that day. “Squashees” and “Wortels” (carrots) and “Dhania” (coriander) and “Mammie, ek het Spinach ok vir jou!!” (Miss, I have spinach just for you). These carts were simple & functional – no comfort or speed considered. These guys were life-savers every time. And once they got to know you, you would be guaranteed delivery of your “pakkie” (package) of onions, potatoes – you name it – first thing in the morning. Now that is service.

Groente Karretjie

Groente Karretjie


This picture does not do our groente karretjies justice – it is way too posh! 🙂

Partying is in our nature. We live and breathe for it. We don’t need any occasion to “make it happen”. A simple “kuier” (visit from friends) could turn into a full-fledged “howza” or “gazi” (house party). All it takes is one house, some friends, a cell-phone (to call all the other buddies), some snacks, and lots of “dop” (booze).

I miss those days the most. Here (Germany) you need to make an appointment to see your friends, you cannot party without informing – and getting the OK- from all the neighbours and maybe even the police. Otherwise you may just get into some unwanted trouble. Too much PT if you ask me.

Howza!

Howza!

Something else we “Kullids” love doing – sitting in front of our houses and watching everyone drive by. This is called “gesien word” (being seen). This is one way to get a “street bash” started (no need to translate I’m sure). All we need are – grass (or something to sit on – a car will do) and music. We don’t even really need a house. Any strip of grass will do, or any available space where we can “Park” (literally park our cars) and hang out. Oh, did I mention the booze? 😉

Since there are only a few streets where all the “hip-and-happening” people will be cruising on (really, they cruise like in the movies) you are guaranteed to have a good party going within minutes – if you are hip-and-happening, they will stop to say hi…and there you go – party started!!

And don’t forget to dress to the nines. Can’t be seen in public wearing last years’ rags at all. Totally uncool. But of course, you also have to be prepared because…

….From there, we move on to a Disco (also known as a Night Club). For us it was Club Bel Air, or Sewende Laan, or Times4 (not sure if this still exists). Since we chose places which were close-by, we didn’t have to drive far. We could walk. And if you didn’t have a lift, well, there were plenty who would give you one. Our Disco’s catered for our musical needs and style, i.e. no rave or techno. Only house beats, R&B, Hip Hop. Real music 😉

And of course, on Monday, no one would be in the office. Everyone would be sick. “Ek voel nie lekker nie” (I don’t feel well) was the excuse for Monday morning absences. Naturally, after a while the bosses became aware of what exactly that meant (Hang-overs galore) – which meant the fella’s needed to be more careful with the Sunday night parties.

On a long-weekend, we would go to the club for a “16Hour” – we call it that since the disco would end only when the sun came up. For us this was a big deal. If you were not in the “16Hour” you were totally un-cool. Everyone was there, everyone was seen. And your “kit” (what you wore), who you danced with, how you danced, who you hooked up with would be the topic of conversation for the next weeks to come.

And that’s just some things that makes the Coloureds so….ja, colourful. The speech, the mannerisms, the music, the openness, their love of booze and parties.

Boy, I miss it.

I often get so fixated on what’s going wrong in my life – what I don’t like and what I don’t want, what’s missing in my life. This is a great reminder that it’s not always just about me…and that I sometimes really need to stop and “smell the roses”.

Give me 5 minutes a day and I'll give you a happier, more successful life

31981

 “I will be faithful with the talent, time, and opportunity God has given me.02a14

 I realize that when I make the most of what I have, God will multiply it and give me more.” ~Victoria Osteen

I will fill my thoughts with things I love and like, because that not only makes me stronger, more loveable it also makes me happier. Thinking about things I don’t love (worry, anger, lack of forgiveness, fear) only make me weaker and bring more bad things into my life.

I will live my life doing the very best I can today, because I know my thoughts and attitudes shape my actions and my actions determine my destiny.

I will spend time helping people around me, my friends, co-workers, loved ones, because I know a person always reaps what they sow, if they reap good things, they will sow good things.

I will do my…

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New Cheese?

Well, have I been busy, eh?

Let me tell you what progress has been made in the last month (since my last post, that is)….

……

……….

………………

Yup, NOTHING. Zip. Still at point …..GOING NOWHERE SLOWLY!!!!

I thought South Africa was the third world country. Turns out Germany has its own issues. Like, moving ON and being FAST

Do I sound angry? I really am not. I am so chill, nothing can faze me at the moment.  Que sera sera….

……………………….

Oh, I did catch a cold from a stupid colleague who thought it grand to go into work when sick. Are people really that stupid? She is blonde…..Nevermind, that was a stupid question. And because I don’t do anything half-assed, mine morphed into bronchitis. I am so chuffed with her.

And no, this is not another vent post. Actually I came to share something with you

What I wanted to tell you is this…..I have the possibility of staying here, in Germany, permanently. I have been asked if I was interested, and I said..er…well….ye-eesssss.

Convincing?

Thought not

Here’s the thing – the weather is really kak (I don’t have to translate that word, right?). Making friends is difficult. SJP was more successful getting laid in SATC than I am in making friends. Which is really bad, come to think of it. It’s easier getting a man into your bed than making friends?! Wow. Am I sad.

The family is over there. In South Africa. Stay with me now. Ja, that same family who miss me so much my phone is ringing off the hook from all the phone calls to speak to me (NOT). As for the emails, I just cannot keep up. Did you note the sarcasm at all? Just checking…

And the friends are over there too. Yep, the ones who were beating down my door practically every week to have a glass or ten. When I was there. Out of sight….(sighs dramatically)

Husband wanted to go back, but he is ready to anchor himself if we (me and the boys) decide we want to stay. Guess who wants to stay? Yep, the boys. And I don’t blame them. The education (in South Africa – still with me???) is up to shit, the economy is up to even bigger shit. As for the Government…there is no container big enough for the shit brewing there.

So, what to do what to do…..

I have spoken to many people from back home (obviously not the Dad, brothers, sister, nor friends). Hell am I sad or what???? Ok, let me re-phrase that – I have spoken to colleagues, acquaintances and my cousins.

They are all saying the same thing – STAY. For the same reasons I mentioned above. And that husband may not be able to secure a job when we get back. Apparently the EE act is being revised. No chance for non-black ppl like us.

Honestly, except for the lack of friendships, and missing my crazy family, I like it here. I have adapted. I have become very comfortable with not having to lock my doors at night, not having an alarm, being able to ride a bicycle when I want. Going out at night without worrying about getting home in one piece. Not worrying about my kids’ safety and their future. The active lifestyle.

There are some things about the Germans that do grate the nerves, but those are things I can live with.

Will we be able to really integrate if we decide to stay? Hell yes! Will the Germans ever accept us as one of “their own”? Probably not. Can I live with that? Probably yes.

New cheese? No biggie. Just the next ten or so years that must be decided in the next weeks. I have a very good idea what I should do….for me and my boys.

If you were in a similar position, what would your decision be?

M&M’s

Sorry, not the ones you know covered in candy, but as in “Menopause & Midlife (crises)”

When I looked at my last post (no, I didn’t cringe) I see it for what it was. A woman who had completely lost her marbles. Someone whose mind had been taken over by aliens. For a split second I almost believed that. A girl can try, can’t she?

Today, I felt more lucid. Calm, controlled. And angry. Myself. Watch out world!!!

But with the lucidity came the questions – why did/do I feel like that? When did I first notice the crazy (ok, ignore that part). Is it normal to get so crazy (PMS excluded)? And I started thinking about a whole lot of things, bits and bobs of experiences shared by my cuzzins came back to me…slowly, I admit, but I can’t claim always being fast on the draw…

It hit me square in the middle of my frazzled brain – this is not just me, being my normal crazy – there’s a whole lot more going on. And the M&M’s might just be the start (and finale) of it all. This is my story and I am sticking to it…

So I took some time out to read up on some M&M’s. I only read a few articles (never mind that I spent almost half a day on this) which were enough to equip me with dazzling clarity – that I am truly having the M&M’s. Did I mention I am sticking to this story like superglue?

It would appear that I am not fortunate enough to experience the M&M’s in phases (like other normal women I suppose) and in the sequence I would have preferred (i.e. Serie, not Parallel ….remember: organised and controlled??). No, it seems I am lucky enough to get the double whammy in one fell swoop. FCUK.

I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry. I mean, is it too much to ask that a girl only gets hit by one wave at one time?

….and think about it for a second – if you could choose, what would you prefer to have first – Menopause or The Crises? To be honest, my choice would be Menopause first – I could make up for all the crap I went through afterwards by completely immersing myself in The Crises (did you notice I dubbed it “The Crises” now? Damn I’m good…). After the emotional turmoil of Menopause, anyone would be dying for The Crises – it’s almost like an affirmation of life and womanhood, right? That you are ok, and sane and still attractive (hopefully). No jokes. I actually believe this shit.

Me-No (getit????) is like one of those farts – no one hears it, no one sees it, no one smells it. But boy, do you know you let rip. Even at home. They see no outward change, no stray hairs, don’t hear you having complete conversations with yourself. Nor do they wonder what you are really doing in the bathroom for hours on end (with the make-up mirror in hand no less). It’s only the occasional screech-fest which alerts the boys something may be awry. Poor hubs. I do rather feel sorry for him. He deserves better, but there’s no way in hell I’m telling him that!!

This is what I really look like

The Crises is everything but. Anyone with 20/20 vision can spot it a mile away. Probably because you act and dress completely opposite to your normal self. What gives it away….the sudden fixation on
• hooker heels (check),
• the daring outfits (sigh…check)
• (more) make-up (chee-eeck)
• flirting (furtively) inappropriately with young(er) men (CHECK),
• depression (CHECK)
• getting a tattoo (can’t decide which one and where to put it…)
• (insane) interest in obtaining THE physique (triple check).
• generally being shameless whenever you find the chance (CHEEECKKKKK!!).

Sound familiar? If it doesn’t you are probably in denial. Take the first step – admit it, then embrace it….

There are people who really know about this stuff, who can tell you a whole lot more than I can about the true face of the M&M’s. I was bored to tears by some of it, and I will not repeat, but will be kind enough to leave you to read one yourself. You can thank me later. Warning: explicit sex and nudity cannot be expected here

What I found interesting from some articles were – that many women publish memoirs of their lives – post M&M’s of course. Writing about how tortured they were and how they survived the horrors, to finally transcend into lucidity and inner peace. Seriously?! I am more interested in milking The Crises for all it’s worth, thank you very much.…

What does piss me off though – men get to use this excuse longer than we do…The Crises lasts about 3–10 years with men and 2–5 years with women…..That’s just wrong – why do men get to have this much (guilt-free?) fun????? And did you know, The Crises itself could last way into your 60’s?? (don’t quote me on that, Wikipedia is not that trustworthy) I have to admit, that’s way too much excitement, even for me

In any case (now to the crux of the matter) – I have decided …. seeing that I can only get away with this excuse for max 5 years, I ‘d better go for it with all I’ve got. To hell with what’s written and with all the judgment. Enough of the Jammer Sannie shit. I will embrace this new chapter in my life. And irritate the crap out of you with all my dizzy interpretations.

So bring on the bling, and the short skirts, and the leather pants (ok, maybe I’ll pass on that) and the inappropriate flirting with the young(er) men. This is me now, and I think I might just like it.

I will no longer look at other women in their 40’s and think they are pathetic, with their big do’s, toy boys and tight skirts. I will think “Yeah, mama, you go get ‘em girl, it’s your turn”

…in the meantime, I can dream….sigh

Channing “GI Joe” Tatum

I may feel differently next week, but honey (yes you, reading this post), I love the idea that I can use M&M’s as an excuse. And I am delirious it’s not just the guys who are privileged to use The Crises either. Yay for (a bit of) gender equality!!!

Until the next dizzying time

D

Gallery

Jammer Sannie

…I do “Jammer Sannie” posts when I feel sorry for myself….you are forewarned….

This has probably been the worst few weeks in my life – other than the time I lost my mom, that is. I have never felt so alone in a very long time. I am going through some challenges – health, work, maybe I am menopausal too…who knows at this point…. And I need someone whom I can turn to and talk to when things just gets too much. Yea, I have my husband, but I need someone else as a sounding board too.

I need a GF whose ear I can turn, who will pour me a glass of wine and tell me it will all be ok, that I am not alone and that I am loved. Who will listen and shut up even if they think I am overreacting, or even if they think it may not be so bad. Who will just make all the right noises to make me feel better even if they think things won’t get better.

I need my dad, brothers and sister, my BFF (or so I thought) to tell me it will all be ok, and that they are there for me no matter what. That appears to be asking for the moon.

Since having moved here, it’s asif everyone’s forgotten us(me). It appears they do not realise that being so far away one needs (more than ever) that sms or email or occasional phone call just to confirm you are loved and thought of. That you are not all alone in this vast world.

Don’t they realise how tough it is being so far away, and not having one’s support system readily available? Do people not realise it is not all sunshine and roses all the time? And that I have just as many bad days as good ones? It seems not.

I now believe that my close family and friends – while they might love me and my boys – have forgotten about us, and how tough it can get out here with no support system available. They are not giving us one ounce of thought – being all on our lonesome over here. They have their peeps, friends family and the like, and couldn’t give a damn about us being so far away, and whether we indeed are doing ok. Yes, we have friends, but the kind that never really made it past acquaintance phase, you know? I am sure you know….

What would they (over there in ZA) do if I was in an accident? Or if they learnt hubs had decided to up and leave me (coz he couldn’t cope with all my issues anymore lol). If any disaster hit us. Do you think they would then provide the necessary support? Will they be there for us? Probably…but I am not even sure anymore.

I am very unhappy and depressed about this (hell, it must be depression if I can cry at the drop of a hat!!). And it’s making me bitter. I know it shouldn’t, I know they also have lives to lead, but does that mean it’s ok for them to completely abandon me, not a word in months? Don’t I feature in their lives at all? Somehow I think that “love” they profess for me is just a sham – when I am there they are all lovey-dovey, but as soon as I am gone, basta?!

I have always been there for them, always giving, listening, helping when needed, forgetting the bullshit and focussing on the good….and the fact that they have tossed me overboard is not sitting well at all…I am very, very angry and disillusioned. And I refuse to start thinking if I have done something wrong to deserve this. Nobody deserves this.

I am not one to wallow, and feel sorry for myself for too long. I am a “deal with it” and “get over it” person. But the combination of being so far away and this crises is proving too much for me at the moment.

Tomorrow I will probably feel different – maybe as soon as I know what is wrong with me. Maybe when I know, I will feel worse. I just don’t know. Until then I just have my husband and my blog. How sad, right?

Till next time,

D

PS: for a low-down of my vocab, check the page “FUWE’s”

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