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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Midlife Chronicles – Take 1

I’ve decided to blog more frequently, by recording some of the sillier parts of my life.

Dizzy’s Midlife Chronicles it will be. Here’s part 1. Read it and weep. Or laugh. Your choice.

I went out tonight. With some friends (I hope). A few things I’ve noticed (I have some experience here, trust me)
1. I feel goddamn sexy after the 2nd glass of wine (or mojito or caiperina)
2. The oppostite sex feels the same way (judging from eye contact and body language)
3. I feel I can conquer the world
4. I have solutions to all my problems
5. I have questions to stuff I never even thought about (untapped intellect < get it??)
6. I feel I can conquer the world
7. I'm horny as hell
8. After walking around naked for about 20 minutes in front of hubby, I realise I could just as well have been wearing a sack (<what's wrong with this picture????)
9. I am not attracted to just any tom-dick-and-harry (I was worried for a bit there)
10. I wish I could bottle feelings 1, 3 & 6
11. Well, maybe I'll still get lucky 😛

G'night from way over here 🙂

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Reinventing Myself

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve last posted. Bet my followers thought “that’s it, she’s done, she’s gone and lost it”.

Well, actually, I lost it before I left….(<—that totally makes sense, doesn't it)

Guess I needed time to refocus, regroup, “re-whatever” in order to “get back, get sane(r) and on track”. It wasn’t intentional to be MIA for so long. Things just happened.

This past year has seen many changes. I’ve been to South Africa for about a month, it was fantastic. I’ve travelled here and there, for work, for personal pleasure. My older son has finished school. My other son started a German school at the ripe young age of 16 (<<< more stress). Husband (finally) completed his degree (yay)…There've been changes in the work front. There's been some bad things too – at a point I really could've done without – but that's life, eh. Just kicks you when you're down. I will not dwell on this now, this is fodder for a next post….

I've realised that what I've experienced was not so crazy and out of the ordinary at all. Many women face such challenges, and deal with it. Some deal better than others I guess. I fall in the "other" category :p

Now that I've accepted these challenges as my new reality, I am better, and stronger. Can't beat a good woman, eh? And I've decided – hell, yes – I am superwoman, and I'm bad-ass to boot 🙂

SuperWoman on 'roids

So here I am, back and wanting to reinvent myself. Not become someone else, but become a better me. Be less stressed, freak out less about the stupid things that tend to piss me off so much. Be more patient. Be a better wife and mom.

It’s like asking for the moon, right.

Here goes nothing….

Going Batty?

I have been rather absent. There’s been so much goings-on in my dreary life, that I just couldn’t muster the time to maintain my blog.

In the past few months I’ve had to move house, I’ve gone through a restructuring at work, oldest son has graduated from school, I’ve become a semi-permanent citizen of the EU states. And oh yeah, I’m full on into The Crises.

Through all of this, I have remained calm, controlled, strong, collected. Gone through each and every change methodically, with clear-cut precision. A pillar of reliability.

Super Woman

Super Woman

(please note – no swearing)

And now that all the upheaval is behind me, I should be relieved, stress-free. Relaxed.

Instead, I feel…well, lost. In limbo. Like something is missing. And frustrated. Mad as hell. At no-one in particular. At everyone in general. I think I’m losing my marbles.

Me, Crazy? Nah

Me, Crazy? Nah

I guess after months of being so…held together, keeping everything under control – making sure BH and kids are sorted, cared for, organising the move, the electricians, the painters, the cleaners – I find it a struggle to now adapt to the new situation.

And all of this leads me to have less patience than I normally have. I am less tolerant than I normally am. Which is not much under normal circumstances.

(again – please note the lack of swearing)

Now the vent.

On good days I cannot tolerate people who criticise (anyone/anything) without having a clue. With my newfound battiness, it’s ten times worse. If you expect me to do stuff, and then crit me for not doing it a specific way, or not arranging it for a specific day, then I feel you should shut your big fucking mouth and fucking-well do it yourself.

If you have a better idea, then fucking-well shut up and just do it. Don’t crit me when you are sitting on your fat ass doing fuckall, except stuffing your mouth like a pig and watching TV. Same goes for the little pricks that pass for my kids.

And don’t make conversation just for the sake of talking. Whatever you have to say must be bloodywell useful or interesting, or have the potential to make a difference in my day. If none of the above applies – shut your trap.

I’m sick and tired of being needed, being depended upon. Can’t anyone fuckingwell do anything on their own without involving me in every itty-bitty-shitty detail or decision in their lives?? When do I get to ask for help, huh??? Noooo. Never. It’s bloodywell unheard of.

I’m sick and tired of the pressure. I just want to breathe. I just want to not worry about every fucking thing. I want a normal fucking life, where I can rely on other people for a change. I want someone else to take responsibility and make some decisions for a change.

I’ve had enough of all this shit.

I need a holiday, and I need it bloodywell quickly, before I completely lose all my marbles.

Not Loony

Not Loony

PS: I don’t think I got my point across. I will have to try again next time 😉

Quirky Age

It seems like all I am doing is posting when I am frustrated. This will change. With my next post I promise 😉

I’ve told you before that I am going though the Crises (midlife and menopause). I find that I experience so many different emotions – sometimes in the span of a few seconds – leaving me feeling dizzy and not quite as “in control” as I like to be.

One minute I love my husband to the moon and back, and the next I just want to kick him to the moon and back. He is a wonderful, caring man, has a heart of gold. And he puts up with all my shit. What more can I ask for?

Give me strength!

Give me strength!

But I am. I want the guy that I married 19 years ago, back.

I have a question to everyone who have been married for 20 years or longer….How on earth do you do it?

OK, I lied. I have MANY questions.

How do you stay married for 20 years and more, and not feel like you sometimes could happily strangle the guy? How do you keep the magic? Is the guy you married still the same, or has he changed much more than you anticipated?

How do you stay in love with someone that long? How do you not fall “out” of love? What does it take to stay physically attracted to each other? Just…HOW????

Don’t tell me about love and loyalty, and date-nights and what-not. Because once date night is over, you come home with the same guy, with the same shitty habits. I want something I can work with, not fairy tales.

And before you start throwing daggers – I know we all go through changes, our bodies change, we grow hair in inappropriate places. Everything that was perky and pretty is now…less perky and pretty (matured we call it ;-))

And we get used to all those changes, we become comfortable with it. But he’s changed way beyond what I can cope with right now.

His mission

His mission

He eats like every meal might be his last. When he eats, it’s such a racket, I swear you can hear him from a mile away. And the food is all over his face. I mean really?! Using a knife and fork is a challenge – there’s more food around the plate than in the plate.

He is constantly in the kitchen – eating sweets, or cookies or something. It seems like he is scared he will die if his mouth is not moving.

And his tongue lolls. Like a dog’s. I swear, I am not making this up.

When we watch movies, his mouth moves as if he’s repeating the actor’s lines.

Even his laugh has changed. He laughs like a deranged person. We are too scared to go to the movies because you can hear him above all else.

The kids are embarrassed by him.

I cannot say when exactly all this started, but I noticed.

It is driving me C R A Z Y.

And because of this he has become so un-sexy, that I can’t get it up anymore. I’m totally off it. I am running out of excuses already! Granted, there might be other reasons for this (such as my M&M’s) but I dunno….surely I should be happy for any sex I get at this age, seeing that I might not be able to get it up without some help in the near future, right?

Is all of this attributable to the M&M’s – my crises? Is this all just me being a shitty person? I am really hating myself for thinking all of this and for being such a mean person.

So what now, I ask you?? Shall I tell him? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He already thinks I am a shrew, so can you imagine what he will call me after this? Anyway, the boys have already – on numerous occasions – told him about this, but he ignores it.

Is this normal? Has your guy also changed like this?

Am I just full of shit???

H E L P

D

I often get so fixated on what’s going wrong in my life – what I don’t like and what I don’t want, what’s missing in my life. This is a great reminder that it’s not always just about me…and that I sometimes really need to stop and “smell the roses”.

Give me 5 minutes a day and I'll give you a happier, more successful life

31981

 “I will be faithful with the talent, time, and opportunity God has given me.02a14

 I realize that when I make the most of what I have, God will multiply it and give me more.” ~Victoria Osteen

I will fill my thoughts with things I love and like, because that not only makes me stronger, more loveable it also makes me happier. Thinking about things I don’t love (worry, anger, lack of forgiveness, fear) only make me weaker and bring more bad things into my life.

I will live my life doing the very best I can today, because I know my thoughts and attitudes shape my actions and my actions determine my destiny.

I will spend time helping people around me, my friends, co-workers, loved ones, because I know a person always reaps what they sow, if they reap good things, they will sow good things.

I will do my…

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Confokulations

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you were reacting completely opposite to who you really are? Like totally contradictory to your nature? Have you ever wondered if it’s really true that people only bring out either the best or worst in you?

No? Me neither.

Now I know this might seem like it’s gonna turn out to be an immensely cerebral and interesting post. Alas. I have to surprise you. It’s not

This is a vent post. Be warned. Don’t look for logic or clarity of speech.

I was pissed off because husband didn’t have the food ready at 18:00. Like I asked him so nicely to do. I’d had a really kak day at work – demanding customers and childish team mates just completely drained me. And because of back to back meetings, I never got a bite to eat. Now remember – I am not well (no comments about my mental condition please!!) physically so I need to be fed properly. So by the time I got home I was practically expiring from malnutrition and dehydration, and looking really forward to a warm plate of food. But there wasn’t any (did you catch that exaggeration?)

And I sulked. I didn’t do the adult thing and throw a tantrum. No. I just kept quiet and sulked. Maybe that in itself is throwing a tantrum.

While I was sulking I was having great arguments with him. In my head. “How disappointed I am. How it pisses me off that he gets to sit around watching TV, doing whatever he wants all day – I would love that luxury. That he can’t do just one thing I ask for. That he should take better care of me as the breadwinner. That he has his job and I have my job and we need to do what we need to do” and all such grown up stuff.

I just kept this all to myself. Because it’s sort of obvious to me, and it should be to him. Why should we even be having such a discussion?

Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

My boss expects me to perform – I expect the same from him (him = hubby, in case you were lost). Is that too much to ask? Am I selfish? Should I leave him to do just do what he wants, when he wants, and if he doesn’t feel like it, just ignore it like the elephant in the room?

Sometimes I am selfish and unreasonable. But sometimes I actually believe I am not – that what I expect is just the same as the next guy who’s wife is a stay-at-home parent: a clean house, clean clothes, food when I come from work (and not flippen at 09:00pm!!!) a glass of wine at the ready and the kids needs taken care of.

Is that really too much to ask?

New Cheese?

Well, have I been busy, eh?

Let me tell you what progress has been made in the last month (since my last post, that is)….

……

……….

………………

Yup, NOTHING. Zip. Still at point …..GOING NOWHERE SLOWLY!!!!

I thought South Africa was the third world country. Turns out Germany has its own issues. Like, moving ON and being FAST

Do I sound angry? I really am not. I am so chill, nothing can faze me at the moment.  Que sera sera….

……………………….

Oh, I did catch a cold from a stupid colleague who thought it grand to go into work when sick. Are people really that stupid? She is blonde…..Nevermind, that was a stupid question. And because I don’t do anything half-assed, mine morphed into bronchitis. I am so chuffed with her.

And no, this is not another vent post. Actually I came to share something with you

What I wanted to tell you is this…..I have the possibility of staying here, in Germany, permanently. I have been asked if I was interested, and I said..er…well….ye-eesssss.

Convincing?

Thought not

Here’s the thing – the weather is really kak (I don’t have to translate that word, right?). Making friends is difficult. SJP was more successful getting laid in SATC than I am in making friends. Which is really bad, come to think of it. It’s easier getting a man into your bed than making friends?! Wow. Am I sad.

The family is over there. In South Africa. Stay with me now. Ja, that same family who miss me so much my phone is ringing off the hook from all the phone calls to speak to me (NOT). As for the emails, I just cannot keep up. Did you note the sarcasm at all? Just checking…

And the friends are over there too. Yep, the ones who were beating down my door practically every week to have a glass or ten. When I was there. Out of sight….(sighs dramatically)

Husband wanted to go back, but he is ready to anchor himself if we (me and the boys) decide we want to stay. Guess who wants to stay? Yep, the boys. And I don’t blame them. The education (in South Africa – still with me???) is up to shit, the economy is up to even bigger shit. As for the Government…there is no container big enough for the shit brewing there.

So, what to do what to do…..

I have spoken to many people from back home (obviously not the Dad, brothers, sister, nor friends). Hell am I sad or what???? Ok, let me re-phrase that – I have spoken to colleagues, acquaintances and my cousins.

They are all saying the same thing – STAY. For the same reasons I mentioned above. And that husband may not be able to secure a job when we get back. Apparently the EE act is being revised. No chance for non-black ppl like us.

Honestly, except for the lack of friendships, and missing my crazy family, I like it here. I have adapted. I have become very comfortable with not having to lock my doors at night, not having an alarm, being able to ride a bicycle when I want. Going out at night without worrying about getting home in one piece. Not worrying about my kids’ safety and their future. The active lifestyle.

There are some things about the Germans that do grate the nerves, but those are things I can live with.

Will we be able to really integrate if we decide to stay? Hell yes! Will the Germans ever accept us as one of “their own”? Probably not. Can I live with that? Probably yes.

New cheese? No biggie. Just the next ten or so years that must be decided in the next weeks. I have a very good idea what I should do….for me and my boys.

If you were in a similar position, what would your decision be?

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