Doubt & Faith

This morning I found myself wondering if I did the right thing by deciding to stay

Granted, this was not a one-man decision, the kids and husband were involved in this process. Yet I have to admit that I believe husband was driven by my and the children’s wants and needs

I find myself questioning everything now. Did I know what that would mean for me in the long-term – the isolation from the family, the isolation here, the additional costs for sending OS to University, the additional costs of sending TA to this private school.

Of course I thought about all of this. We thought about all of this – long and hard. Back then it looked like the only / best option for us.

But I question.

Will I be able to afford keeping one son at a private school and sending another son to Varsity? Will I be able to cope for who knows how long being the breadwinner? Can I deal with not having someone (other than husband) I can turn to voice my concerns, to vent, to have fun with? Can I cope with not having my family around for years to come? Can I cope with husband possibly not finding work? Have I made the right decision? Do I have what it takes to make a success here, with this cesspool of piranhas?

What have I done???

I get an icy cold feeling every time I think of that. I have taken on more than I can handle. Why is this such an issue now?

The only answer is – the honeymoon phase is over, now reality sets in. Since I’ve been so busy with finding a house, and all the logistics around moving, I’ve not really had time to contemplate all of this

And I am scared shitless. I worry.

I know this is all a little too late, and that we have to make it work now. There’s really no option to go back – I have no job in ZA, BH is not guaranteed of getting a job there. We will have to spend a fortune to go back. That thought really scares me.

I’m not a weakling. I’m made of strong material. But even I have to admit that this is all a bit too much for me to cope with at the moment. And what, do I ask myself, will help me cope better?

I was about to say “I don’t know”, but then I stopped, and realised…I do know.

I might not have all the answers all the time, but I have faith that it will work out. I have faith.

Like everything else in my life, every other time I was faced with a crises of galactic proportions – my faith got me through it. God got me through it.

I (literally) just heard a voice in my ear saying “What are you doing? Why are you panicking like this? It will all be ok.”

I took a breath, and now I am calmer. That panicky feeling is gone. Who knows how long, right? But I have to remind myself of this light-bulb moment. I’m not alone. I don’t have to do this alone.

Granted, it might not all be ok today, or tomorrow, or the day after. But I have faith that it will be ok. I don’t expect to get everything handed to me on a platter. I will work for it. And we will be ok.

Faith – isn’t it amazing?