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Posts tagged ‘melancholy’

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Jammer Sannie

…I do “Jammer Sannie” posts when I feel sorry for myself….you are forewarned….

This has probably been the worst few weeks in my life – other than the time I lost my mom, that is. I have never felt so alone in a very long time. I am going through some challenges – health, work, maybe I am menopausal too…who knows at this point…. And I need someone whom I can turn to and talk to when things just gets too much. Yea, I have my husband, but I need someone else as a sounding board too.

I need a GF whose ear I can turn, who will pour me a glass of wine and tell me it will all be ok, that I am not alone and that I am loved. Who will listen and shut up even if they think I am overreacting, or even if they think it may not be so bad. Who will just make all the right noises to make me feel better even if they think things won’t get better.

I need my dad, brothers and sister, my BFF (or so I thought) to tell me it will all be ok, and that they are there for me no matter what. That appears to be asking for the moon.

Since having moved here, it’s asif everyone’s forgotten us(me). It appears they do not realise that being so far away one needs (more than ever) that sms or email or occasional phone call just to confirm you are loved and thought of. That you are not all alone in this vast world.

Don’t they realise how tough it is being so far away, and not having one’s support system readily available? Do people not realise it is not all sunshine and roses all the time? And that I have just as many bad days as good ones? It seems not.

I now believe that my close family and friends – while they might love me and my boys – have forgotten about us, and how tough it can get out here with no support system available. They are not giving us one ounce of thought – being all on our lonesome over here. They have their peeps, friends family and the like, and couldn’t give a damn about us being so far away, and whether we indeed are doing ok. Yes, we have friends, but the kind that never really made it past acquaintance phase, you know? I am sure you know….

What would they (over there in ZA) do if I was in an accident? Or if they learnt hubs had decided to up and leave me (coz he couldn’t cope with all my issues anymore lol). If any disaster hit us. Do you think they would then provide the necessary support? Will they be there for us? Probably…but I am not even sure anymore.

I am very unhappy and depressed about this (hell, it must be depression if I can cry at the drop of a hat!!). And it’s making me bitter. I know it shouldn’t, I know they also have lives to lead, but does that mean it’s ok for them to completely abandon me, not a word in months? Don’t I feature in their lives at all? Somehow I think that “love” they profess for me is just a sham – when I am there they are all lovey-dovey, but as soon as I am gone, basta?!

I have always been there for them, always giving, listening, helping when needed, forgetting the bullshit and focussing on the good….and the fact that they have tossed me overboard is not sitting well at all…I am very, very angry and disillusioned. And I refuse to start thinking if I have done something wrong to deserve this. Nobody deserves this.

I am not one to wallow, and feel sorry for myself for too long. I am a “deal with it” and “get over it” person. But the combination of being so far away and this crises is proving too much for me at the moment.

Tomorrow I will probably feel different – maybe as soon as I know what is wrong with me. Maybe when I know, I will feel worse. I just don’t know. Until then I just have my husband and my blog. How sad, right?

Till next time,

D

PS: for a low-down of my vocab, check the page “FUWE’s”

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