… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

I have just come from my umpteenth blood test.

I am filled with so many emotions right now…anger, disappointment, futility….but the most overwhelming is…I am just plain fucking pissed off. On a scale of 1 – 10, I am at 12. That’s how angry I am

I might have told you that something was wrong with me in this post. And that was weeks ago.  At that point I was already humungously angry since no one was able to tell me what the hell’s the cause of my anemia. I have seen different doctors –  internists, gastroenterologists, gynaecologist – just about every single ~ist you can think of. All that’s missing is a fucking psychologist – because…maybe it’s all in my head, hey?

And through it all I keep telling myself “It will be better as soon as I know“….As soon as I know what? That it’s incurable? That it’s all in my head? That I’ve basically lost 3 months of my life AGAIN???? That I can deal with it AS SOON AS I KNOW?

I dunno anymore. I think this is just the start. Once they find out it won’t stop there. Unless I just have a few screws loose of course. Then the real fun starts 😉

At the moment I honestly don’t care about anyone but myself. I can’t deal with work, I can’t deal with my kids’ issues, I can’t deal with hubby’s issues. I just can’t deal. Because it is all about me. If I am not well, no one will be well. And I will continue alternately moping, then swearing then dancing around like a madwoman. So I have to focus on sorting me out first. Is that wrong?

So my question – is it really better if you know…whether your husband/wife is cheating on you, whether your mother has an incurable disease, whether you have an incurable disease…

Do you think you can fight the devil as long as he has a face? Can we really deal with “it” once we know what and who it is we have to fight with/against? Will knowing make it any more bearable or “dealable”????

I am hanging on….but by a thread. This needs to come to an end.


Comments on: "Rather the Devil You Know?" (6)

  1. Phew, that is really rough. Sympathy. Hope they find what it is and sort it soon.
    Hey, maybe it’s a Tokoloshe?
    I reckon it depends on the personality of the person whether they should be told things like that or not. Some people – and I am one – prefer to know the full low-down and odds. Others prefer their heads firmly surrounded by earth.

  2. Col, if its a Tokoloshe, i am screwed 😉

    • Sparkle said:

      Hi Dizz Lady, this all sounds bad but you will come around. Try calling your family and friends and tell them how you feel, it always works. They most probably think that you do not need them thus you moved away.
      You might not remember before you took your offer I used to tell you about my sister who lived far away. Though we loved her, we left her alone thinking that is what she wanted. We later discovered that she was miserable and all was not well. She came closer to home but sadly, because she was “dealing” with her issues the wrong way(by insulting us when she missed us)she is now all alone and nobody wants her and her kids around.
      I wish your diagnosis can be resolved so that you can have a plan on moving forward. All will be well.
      Much Love and Hugs,

      • Hey Sparkle, what I nice surprise!!! Thanks for the reminder about your sis – I have forgotten, but then again, my memory is terrible….I am not sure if I will call them, I hate calling anyone to complain. I do expect more from them – to call or sms every now and then to find out if I am ok. I have not even gotten that much in months! I think they are selfish, period. But I will consider what you said – who knows, maybe I’ll wake up one day and be in a “forgiving” mood 😉 I do appreciate you coming by. How are you doing? And your little girl? Take care xxxx

  3. rooikat said:

    Someone once said that being screwed by a tokoloshe is quite fun, but I somehow doubt it. All the best to you and I hope all turns out to be better than you are starting to suspect.

    • Thank you Rooikat, much appreciate the visit. And the wishes. I am still no closer…. 😦

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