….. is how this blog started. In a state of confusion. At the time, “discombobulated” was the first thought (literally) that came to my mind when I was searching for a name. Apt, huh? Yep, still is
And this is how I feel now. Hell, this is how I feel many a time. Just when I think I have things in order, under control (just the way I like it) it’s not. I wish I could control every aspect of my life, even of those around me. But I know I can’t. I’m not God, and no one is meant to have that power anyway. We’d all be walking clones if we had the power, right?
There is so much going through my mind, its making me positively dizzy. And nostalgic. And happy. And and and…
My niece turned 16 yesterday. I will not be here to wish her (in person) happy birthday next year. She’s gorgeous
Things with me and the sole living parent is fucked up – he still hasn’t bothered to call. When he picks up the children it’s like a scene from a skop-skiet-en-donner movie – he’s lurking around the corner waiting for them, not wanting to be seen. Not wanting to see me. Mature, huh?
Friends and family (actually ONE friend and my sister) insists I should fix things before I leave next week. I say the time for fixing stuff is long gone. I am tired of being his and every one else’s vloerlap. Tot hier toe en nie verder nie. Anyway, I have nothing to apologise for, what I said was true and not at all disrespectful (I didn’t swear once, you see)
I haven’t spoken to my OB in over 16 months. He knows I’m leaving. Hell, the whole Poort knows I’m leaving. He’s never even bothered to sms, call or NUFFINK. Hy kan maar ook gaan jump. Bye bye, Boet, hope your life is all you dreamed it would be
My boetie seems to think I’m still in the habit of jumping when he (or anyone else, for that matter) snaps his fingers. Told me I should get an attitude adjustment. Huh-uh, boetie, this is me – you don’t like it, follow your OB….but I hope to see you before I leave….
My friends. I have made some surprising and lasting connections. Forged deep friendships that I never could have anticipated. And I did my bit for society by befriending some WEE people (they know who they are) Juju beter pasop vir hulle…they are ROF!!!
My mom. All I have are my memories. 7 years now, and still it is tough. Some days are good. Some not so. There’s been more of the latter over the past few weeks….she is probably the only one who could have convinced me to stay here. No one else held that power. She was (still is in my mind & heart) one spanky and special lady. And I know she would never have allowed things to deteriorate as they have…. maar nou ja, that’s life, neh? Hands you lemons, so you make mojito’s with it.
I wish things could have been different. I wish I could leave here knowing I have no regrets. But that’s a myth. There’s always regrets. We just learn to deal with it. And if we can’t, well, there’s always frontal lobotomies, right?
Some things can be faced head on. Some things can be resolved. But, face them before the point of no return. After this….leave it be, if it does not resolve itself…have the lobotomy 😉
I have reached that point with many a relationship. There are times I wished things were different – but not anymore, I am at peace with the ones that have fallen by wayside. I hope I will feel the same when I get on that plane. But decisions have been made. There is no looking back anymore
The future lies ahead. Those who have touched my life will always have a place in my heart (soppy I know, gimme a break ok?) Those who have crossed me…well, you know where you stand, no doubt about it?!
For now, I will live my life to please myself, my children and my husband, and the few who accept me as I am.
Phew – this is my longest post in FOREVER…!