… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

Why do people stay in abusive (physical or emotional) relationships?


I don’t limit this to women, because we all know that abuse is not limited to women any longer.


Is it insecurity?

Is it love?

Is it because of the children?

Is it because we are financially dependant on them?

Scared of being alone?

Is it dependency?


Answered yes to any of these?


So what would happen if he or she died. How would you cope on your own then?


These people prey on your weakness and your insecurities. They work hard at finding it, and instead of helping you deal with it, they exploit it to their advantage. To mask their failures. Because if you saw through their bullying, you would recognize it for what it is. But they never let up, do they?


And it’s all about control – controlling you. Who you know. What you do, where you go. They thrive on making you dependent on them, so there’s no one else you can turn to.


It’s YOUR fault. You should be a better wife, mother, person, provider. You’re not clever enough, pretty or witty enough.  


Newsflash: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. HE or SHE has the problem. YOU need to end the cycle.


A friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship. She doesn’t see it. But you never do, right? There’s always an excuse why he’s criticising. Why he’s constantly angry. Why he’s never there. Why he belittles you. She questions me, yet I want to help her.


What will it take for my friend? It’s been carrying on for years. When will it end? Will it end with her going off her rocker? Or will someone else be the catalyst? I sincerely hope so.


I changed my situation and myself. I was still able to. Some are not so lucky.


Comments on: "Abusive Relationships" (50)

  1. algoabay said:

    It is all of the above and more. It took me 6 months to gather the strength and courage to tell him that I was leaving, I was so afraid of him. Lucky for me, I moved into my own flat 2 weeks later. B/F is 100% the opposite to the ex b/f.;-)

  2. feefy said:

    Been there done that, took 7 years to get out of it though and still find myself doubting sometimes

  3. bronwyntivers said:

    It’s very hard to grasp that somebody who supposedly loves you so much could be abusive towards you, I think that’s why it takes so long for people to recognise the situation and see it for what it is.I do hope your friend sees the light.Keep well Diz 🙂

  4. Mahesi said:

    All of the above Dizz. but don’t worry, she will leave when she is ready. I used to blog about the emotionally abusive bf and at the time i thought i couldn’t leave until I did leave somehow and quietly so. Nobody around me understood why I was with him.

  5. Sylvia.Brouwer said:

    Excellent post Dizz..does your friend have kids? Maybe you could approach her from this angle and say: “Do you want your boy to grow up and be like him?” or if it is a girl “should she look for someone like him for a partner in life?” — because ultimately this is what will happen if she stays in this relationship..it is a difficult position to be in cos’ she proll still thinks she loves him OR is afraid that he is right and she is not good enough to find someone else…fear. I hope it comes right for your friend…:-)

  6. robinhawkins said:

    This is something I have never been able to fathom. Not so much the fact that they have difficulties getting out of such relationships, but that they move from one abusive relationship directly into others that are as bad or worse. The difficulties in getting out you more or less cover. I don’t think it’s any single one of the factors you mention, but a wierd intermingling of them all, with a great deal of fear of the future chucked into the mix. What gets me is the number of people I know that DO leave relationships that are abusive, swearing blind that they will never make the same mistake again, but before one knows what, they are involved with someone again, and right back in the same cycle. Sick as it sounds, I think that some people are unfortunately attracted to brutal people, and simply don’t want anything else. Why? Beats me, truly it does. It just proves that most people are just plain nuts. Solitary is really the best way to go.

  7. capricorn28 said:

    We stay in the hope it will change and return to the time it was good. It is also addictive a bit like playing a slot machine every here and there you hit the jackpot, in between the abuse you get some cherries but the rest is just loss. Been there and still have problems coming to terms with it.

  8. Sundancer said:

    It may never change for your friend unfortunately.

  9. JoDay said:

    People only change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change. 😦

  10. Killakat said:

    I hope so too, Tweak!

  11. Killakat said:

    That is the hardest – taking that leap. And once you’re out it’s such a relief. So glad you escaped and are now much better off

  12. optout said:

    I saw a friend this past weekend who has just left an abusive partner for good. Even her friends were scared of him, the stories truly horrendous. Hope your friend gathers the courage to leave before she becomes a statistic.

  13. Killakat said:

    Hear you loud and clear. Stay strong, though. And it seems BF is good for you too

  14. Killakat said:

    Yes it is

  15. Killakat said:

    They love you, but its on their terms. Its because they benefit from it – whether it’s the satisfaction of seeing you so dependant, or that they are able to get away with squandering money, doiung whatever they want, etc

  16. Killakat said:

    Unfortunately its always the ones caught in that cycle who doesn’t see it as clearly as the outsiders do.

  17. Killakat said:

    She does have 3. Sadly enough, I am seeing these signs in both the girl and the youngest boyAnd it is as you say. She is afraid. Yet she is financially very strong. I hope she does. xxx

  18. Killakat said:

    Its all of the above and possibly more. I think leaving is the difficult part – you doubt whether the reality you experience is really reality, or maybe you’re just imaging it? You constantly question yourself, which drives you crazy, then you end up staying anyway. Self-doubt. Terrible.Another (ex) friend was in the same boat. He divorced her (ironic?) and now she’s in another abusive relationship. So I do believe the cycle bit.

  19. Killakat said:

    You are absolutely right – you stay in the hope he/she will change. I sincerely hope you find your way out of it – whether he realises his folly, or you decide you cant live like that anymore…

  20. Killakat said:

    I sure hope it does Sundancer

  21. Killakat said:

    Well said Jo! xxx

  22. Killakat said:

    Thanks Optout, and I hope your friend bounces back from this!

  23. Alvilda said:

    Oh Hon, you can only give her the support she needs, but at the end of the day only she can make the decision. I pray she makes the right one.

  24. capricorn28 said:

    Get your friend to read the info on http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk soem real good ready there

  25. Killakat said:

    It’s just very frustrating for me, wish I could shake her sometimes! Thank you….

  26. Killakat said:

    Looks like an awesome site. Thank you! xxx

  27. lumans said:

    Ive learnt that as much as you would like to help a person in an abusive relationship, no amount of support one your part will get them to leave until such time that they come to the decision that they need to leave. all one can do is be a pillar of strength and understanding in the hope that they will reach out for your helping hand

  28. linniezx10 said:

    Oh Dizzy, I’m sorry. Unfortunately the only person that can help your friend is your friend. She has to want to be helped and that is not going to be quick or easy. Just be there to pick up the pieces. I wish I had a friend like you when I went through my hell many years ago.

  29. half-pint said:

    You can only be there for your friend, and hope the damage isn’t too great at the end of the day. We had a friend who we continuously took to various shelters, gave her safe haven here, and guess what – she went back each time and they’re still together 😦

  30. PaulNicholas said:

    This was the subject of my second novel – unfortunately the agent I approached didn’t want to take it on!Vexing problem this and you’re so right. The person in the wrong, if I may put it like that, is always the controlling party!

  31. Moonz said:

    You had a hellava movie-ish weekend neh? LOL I need to do that some time .. to catch up jy weet? :)I hope someone will be there for your friend before the sh** flies… shame, I’m sad for her and all other abused ppl. HUGS Diz xxx

  32. bronnie.l said:

    you know, teh prob is people don’t always know tehy are in it. like that frog boiling alive analogy? good for you for changing the situation!

  33. colleen_figg said:

    it IS YOUR FAULT if you STAY!!!

  34. Killakat said:

    It’s just so frustrating! I wish I could give her a pill so she can see the damage being done to herself and her children

  35. Killakat said:

    And she has to also see it for what it is, right? xxx

  36. Killakat said:

    Oh my, that’s just so sad?! I hope she survives it. xxx

  37. Killakat said:

    Did he give you a reason? That’s very strange?

  38. Killakat said:

    Thanks Jo, although I must admit, I am losing my patience. I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to listen to the same old…xxx

  39. Killakat said:

    lol Koko….will send you a PM

  40. Killakat said:

    Heya Dinx, very sad and unecessary. xxx

  41. Killakat said:

    You’re right, they rationalise it and argue it away. Anything but….also called denial

  42. Killakat said:

    Responsibility only for allowing it, NOT for provoking it. And that’s part of the problem – because HE’s convinced you to think that you need punishing, that you’ve done something wrong.Good for breaking that cycle! xxx

  43. Killakat said:

    Couldn’t have said it better meself! xxx

  44. Killakat said:

    Understood. I was speaking from my own point of ref. And you’re right, because I experienced it that way, doesn’t mean it’s a rule! xxx

  45. linniezx10 said:

    The scary thing is, she probably does, but she may be is a space where she believes that she deserves everthing that is happening. These bastards get you into that space and it is really hard to get out of it.

  46. Killakat said:

    You may be right – that she knows what’s going on and doesn’t want to do anything. I mean, there’s counselling, right?

  47. ekirstein said:

    I’ve had to counsel a few. And every time I’ve said, “Go!”

  48. Colonialist said:

    I think, here, it helps a lot if parents instil a sense of self-worth that simply won’t accept such behaviour, no matter how strong feelings for the other person may be or how much they try to undermine the self-image.

  49. Same shit different day said:

    Excellent post Diz – well done xx

  50. hemmingway said:

    heil dizzy!!!!!

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