Ok, you will ask. Why am I doing this?
BECAUSE I CAN.
And NO ONE excluded married ones from this jig, right?? And anyway, I was bored, so just shoot me if I irritate you…! Well, you can try anyway…
So in my world, this is what will NOT get you into my pants
Hair – Mullets. Gel. Hair oil. Blonde. And highlights / lowlights. Long hair. Ponytails. Leave the long hair where it belongs – ON GIRLS!! On men – it only suits sensei’s (i.e. karate instructors). And not all of them either. Also, if it looks like you spent more than 5 minutes in front of the mirror. Nee man. Asseblief tog. i.e. NO CHANCE
Height – must be taller than me. I’m short, so that one shouldn’t be a stretch. Anything as tall (or short) as me – hit the road Jack.
Facial hair – if you haven’t seen a razor. Like in NEVER. Just turn around and go back to suckling. Still some growing up to do. Not shaving is a NO NO. Moustaches’ are SOOOO last season.
Voice – if you sound like Donald, Daffy or the Woodpecker. Don’t even THINK of opening your mouth in my presence. EVER. Can you imagine when we’re in bed and I want you to talk dirty to me – HUHUH, tjomma, with THAT voice, everything will dry up!
Laugh – see voice above. And no giggling either – before, during or after. Talk about a passion killer.
Size – look, if you are not taller than me, chances are you are TINY. I want a MAN, not a boy. Although, some boy-men or man-boy’s have surprised me before…*thinks about that for a bit*…..NO NO NO NO. Just turn around and go back to Mommy, ‘seblief tog
Hands – if there is just a hint that you have poofy or dirty hands and fingernails, with short stubby fingers. FORGET.IT.IMMEDIATELY. There is NO WAY you are touching THIS with THAT.
BO – showering and grooming is imperative. TWICE a day. If I even get a whiff that you might not like that pastime, skip right past me, thank you. Don’t even THINK about getting up-close-and-personal.
Clothes & Shoes – I don’t care for name brands, but if you ain’t got no style, toodles!!! Hint – Beckham has style. Oops, scrap that, Posh dresses him. Brad has style. Blair Underwood – hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmm. Vernon doesn’t.
Personality – nothing turns me on more. You don’t have any? Guess what…You can’t make me laugh. Guess what? Talking about yourself. ALL THE TIME. HUHUH. And, if you have personality, you should have a brain too…If you don’t….yip, you guessed it, no repartee of ANY nature with me, tjomma!
Dancing – I’m not sure if this should be first or last. Well, it don’t matter anyway. If you can’t, then what are the chances you can in bed? And believe me, you will dance before I go ANYWHERE with you. So we’ll just stop right there. Period.
Now – for the sure-fire way of getting INTO my pants.
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m MARRIED, for goodness sakes!!! There IS NO CHANCE!!!
Unless you are one of them. Not necessarily in order of preference. At all 😉
EDIT: Eric Dane & Blair Underwood. Just in case you didn’t have your glasses 😉
Have a fab pm!!