… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

I thought it was time I acted my age a bit (wahahahaaa!!)……

*******

Last week, in my Jammer Sannie post I mentioned that I was sorry that my OB wasn’t speaking to me. Nick asked a simple question – why not just talk to him?

My initial reaction was – No flippen way, José!! And why? Because it’s flippen complicated. Ja, it always is, neh?

OB is 7 years older than me. We were alone for a long time before Baby boet came along. We were close. Until he got married and had his first baby. I was 18.

According to him, he’s seen and heard many (nasty, ugly) things which impacted him. Moulded the man, so to speak. DUH. We all had childhoods and went through puberty. We all went through stuff (some good, some bad) which shaped our reality. Most have some baggage from those years. Those who don’t – well, you are special 😉

The saying goes – you can’t judge a man until you’ve walked in his shoes for a mile (or ten). I was walking next to him most of my life, I know what he’s been through. I’ve seen most of it, experienced some of it. He thought I didn’t notice. My coping mechanism was to turn a blind eye, insulate myself against these things. It helped me. I think he did the same. It seems not to have helped him.

It doesn’t have to mean that I should agree with or like some decisions he’s made since then. With the life he leads.

Knowing him, I believe that those decisions are not necessarily his, but done through SIL2’s influence. The life he leads is also not a life – he boozes too much, he doesn’t socialize with family and friends. He does whatever the missus says. He believes every story she spins. And he allows her to do whatever she wants. Critical? Judgmental? Maybe.

So I don’t accept who and what he has become. He has the potential to become more, to rise above his circumstances and whatever he’s chosen to fixate his life on.

We have choices – we choose to allow the bad things that happen in our lives cloud our judgment. We choose who and what we want to become. Whether to blame circumstances for our failures, or not. We choose to become bitter.

He chose. He chose to lose his son. He is now choosing to lose his daughter. He chose to become bitter and blame everyone and everything else on his failures in life.

Should I condone these choices? I have for many years. I turned a blind eye. Excused his behaviour and actions. I decided not to anymore.

But the way I did was perhaps wrong. It could have been done better. Direct and to his face. Instead I said what I wanted to say to the SIL2. He chose to accept whatever version he got from her. I regretted this. But the damage is done.

He chose not to pick up the phone and give me kak over what I said. Which makes me wonder if deep-down he knows this as the truth? He knows exactly what I think of him and his actions. We’ve had a few interventions where we tried talking sense into him. We tried tough love. It didn’t help.

He knows I love him, even if that woman poisons him against me. He knows I am not vindictive, nor a horrible person. I must have faith in this knowledge.

I’ve reached the end of my tether with him. I’ve taken my stand and I’ll abide by it.

I’ve been wrestling with my decision for a while now. I do miss him, but I refuse to watch him destroy his life, and that of his children. My mother would never have allowed this to happen. I have accepted that I am not my mother. I cannot condone what I believe is unacceptable parenting, nor the fact that he is a ghost of what he used to be.

So I’ve distanced myself from him and his wife. I believe I’ve made peace with it. It does hurt. He is still my brother. I will be there when he decides to change his ways.

In answer to my own question – it is easy, actually. I can choose to pick up the phone now and talk to him. But I won’t. Talking never helped with him. For now, I will not do anything.

I would like your opinion on this saga

xxx

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Comments on: "Easy…Or Complicated?" (45)

  1. Janete said:

    My greatest ability is to avoid and sweep things under rugs. I think maybe you should do the same 😉 Leave it for now.

  2. Sundancer said:

    Sometimes one must distance oneself from things for a while.

  3. Same shit different day said:

    My friend, relationships are a two way street and that includes family. You’ve done your bit (whether in the right way or the wrong way) and now it’s up to him. You’ve made your peace with it – I would leave things alone and let him make the next move – much love to you 🙂 xx

  4. Mahesi said:

    yes Dizzy, you cannot burden youself, take care 🙂

  5. bronnie.l said:

    I will have to think about this some more I dont think anyone can really advise you except you…

  6. Killakat said:

    Wish my life could be “uncomplicated” (there’s a song by that name, neh?)and…Ya, think? And that I wouldn’t notice? I already told you how HAPPY I am….

  7. Killakat said:

    Thanks VP, we can all only do so much…

  8. Killakat said:

    It is a bit difficult for me….find it hard to switch off, thanks for the advice

  9. Killakat said:

    Which I have decided to do. Thanks hun xxx

  10. Killakat said:

    ((((HUGS)))

  11. Killakat said:

    xxx

  12. Killakat said:

    I know this, but to hear other’s opinions helps me sort through the quagmire of emotions….

  13. Killakat said:

    Now I know what’s wrong with you. It’s not physical….;-)

  14. Killakat said:

    I think you may be the one to sort out OB…..;-)

  15. Killakat said:

    Whatever you do, just don’t talk to them. Then you’re in kak! lol

  16. algoabay said:

    Let it rest for a whileGood luck 🙂

  17. NARITHA said:

    ((((HUGS))))

  18. Killakat said:

    Mum’s the word….lol

  19. Killakat said:

    Thanks doll 🙂

  20. Killakat said:

    Ditto 🙂

  21. Sivuyisiwe said:

    Easier said than done.I wish i could say speak to him but i know better that sometimes other people listen well when there is nothing said!

  22. hutton said:

    Tough love can work 😉

  23. kasper said:

    Ag, Dizzy. I give this one a pass. Choice? Hm, sometimes it ain’t that easy.

  24. JoDay said:

    Stick to your guns, honey. I’ve been involved with addicts too – it’s the only way. They go through a period of hating you for it, but once they’ve hit rock bottom (which they must) and have cleaned up, they will love you for it.Hang in there. x

  25. JournoJen said:

    You can only do so much as a woman and family member Dizzy! You cannot change people who don’t want to change. It’s very sad but he must live the live he wants because it will soon get back at him and that is the only way he may learn the error of his ways!

  26. Killakat said:

    We’ve spoken about this so many times, with no results, hence my decision to just leave it now. It’s now up to him (and his beatch of a wife 😉

  27. Killakat said:

    I sure hope soxx

  28. Killakat said:

    You are so right, and I’ve said this to myself many times, but sometimes you can’t help it….xxx

  29. Killakat said:

    It’s not easy, but you have to make the one that’s best at the time, and if you have children involved, you MUST think of them. Thanks hunxx

  30. Killakat said:

    Think I’ve decided to do just that. It has been almost two months where i’ve resisted the urge to give in and call. Thanks Cinxx

  31. Killakat said:

    Thanks Jo, what does worry me is whether he will get to that point and get the chance to make it right, for him and his kids.x

  32. Killakat said:

    That’s true, but how do you wake up every morning, and not see that you are on a downhill, and not consciously decide to make that change? It confobulates meThanks JJ

  33. Killakat said:

    To everyone, your responses have really touched me and comforted me so much. Thank you Luvxxx

  34. bronwyntivers said:

    Hey Diz,It’s not an easy situation. It’s so hard to watch and not be able to help. All I can say is just make sure he knows you’re there. You can’t force him to do anything, let alone listen, so just make sure he knows that when he needs you you’ll be there.I hope you guys come out smiling on the other end!! *BIG HUGS*

  35. Killakat said:

    Thanks Bron, I hope so too! PS: does that mean I have to phone him? 😉

  36. Zeelia said:

    Definitely complicated… Make use of the cool off period; time heals everything and when you least expect it another door opens… Just don’t let it continue forever; life is far too short and blood is thicker than water… It happens in the best of families…

  37. CraigSmith said:

    I hope things turn out alright, I know fighting with family seems so wrong to outsiders of the family, but sometimes it’s just unavoidable. Although they do have the tendency to work themselves out 🙂 Thanks for the visit 🙂

  38. isabel said:

    Sjoe Dizzy. You know what you tried to help and that’s that. He will turn to you again. Let him be and wait…

  39. svenwg said:

    Your brother sounds a lot like me, especially the allowing of his wife to not only run his life, but to ruin it too. I would say the only way to help him, is to leave him alone. Cut all contact and let him know that you will be there for him when and only when he decides to grasp life fully again. To give up his addictions and start taking responsibility for his own life.

  40. Killakat said:

    That is so true Zelia, we sometimes forget that. Thanks so much

  41. Killakat said:

    And this is what my mom always advocated, to not let things come between us. But sometimes, we have to be objective and take a stand for what we believe is right. Thank you too

  42. Killakat said:

    I sure hope so, hun, thanks a mil x

  43. Killakat said:

    For one who’s been there done that…I will take that to heart. Thanks. x

  44. snowdon said:

    Sorry to hear 😦 *HUGS* He knows where you stand so it’s up to him now…

  45. Killakat said:

    (((HUGS))) to you tooxxx

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