So yesterday I felt very sorry for myself. I nogals much enjoyed the feeling. I seldom wallow, so I really take it to the extremes when I do.
Before I posted yesterday, I spoke to my cousin – I woke up with her on my mind, and it hit me about her daughter – so I just had to call her. And she was so calm, serene, accepting. And I was questioning. Eventually she says to me (about questioning God) “Faith is not about just believing in God. But believing that what happens does have a purpose. And to accept that there is a purpose, even if you don’t see it or understand it at that point (now). It will be revealed”… Yah, neh? “When?”, I asked. “Be patient” she says to me. It’s been six years. When will this big reveal happen?
Sjoh. That was too much for me. What she was actually saying “Stop pitying yourself, move on, be strong, you’ve got so much to live for. Yes, you don’t understand now, but do you really need to understand? She lived a full life” That was also too much. My Ma was only (almost) 63 when she passed. Way too young in my books.
Cousin wasn’t making any sense. I think she needs help …..*winks*….I said that to myself, coz’ it made me feel better 😉
So I called my other cousin. She understood – she lost her Mom & brother in the accident 13 Feb. We bawled our eyes out together. And supported each other. The mutual pity party did wonders (i.e life sucks, it’s not fair, we don’t deserve this, I’m so lost, no-one understands me, and so on and so forth). When we were done, we burst out laughing, realising how ridiculous we were. But we also know that it comes and goes in phases. For the most part, we are OK. We are dealing with it. But sometimes it just gets a bit much. Then we just need someone who understands. Someone we can call when we don’t want a voice of reason. When we just want to wallow. That’s what it is. A lekker pity party. I felt much better afterwards.
My children also helped. I got home and both of them could see I was “off”. I asked them just to love me. And for once, they did just that, no questions asked. Even the TA came to me and just held me. Just gave lots of love. BooBoo was oblivious. But I guess he’s got his own problems. I don’t think men grieve as we do. They are very private. I need to get one of those sensory-mood-detectors to know when he’s happy, sad, angry. He’s only got one expression. Bland.
But beware, there will probably be more such outbursts. Unless I can contain myself. I will try. For your sakes….
Have a super day everybody