… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

An old schoolfriend of mine is in crises. I would love to help her but can’t. She’s managed to systematically ostracise people (who care for her) from her life over the past 12 months. She’s just about managed to eliminate me too. But I’m not falling for it.

She’s lost her husband to cancer – brain tumor(s). We were best pals. They knew the prognosis. He managed to dodge the bullet quite a few times. Managed to live with the disease for close to 7 years. Even doctors were baffled…the power of prayer and faith…..But then it was over

They had time to prepare, but when it happened it happened fast. He deteriorated within weeks, for the rest of the year he was in and out of hospital. They just couldn’t do anything for him anymore. And she continually told me “I’m Ok. I have dealt with it. I am ready. I will be fine” This may have been true before, but when he was taken, things changed. Now she is dealing with the inconsolable grief, with not having her best friend and parter there every night. Not having someone to cuddle up to. Not having a dad for the kids. She is broken. And I don’t know how to fix it. I cannot fix it, but I want to.

I’ve tried staying in touch – email, calls, visiting she refuses to open the door to people, she ignores the mails & calls. Finally i left a note to ask her what I’ve done. I want to be there for her. She doesn’t want me, but I cannot leave her be. She is creating this island of isolation because she thinks no-one understands, people just want to scrutinise her – criticise her way of life, how she’s raising the kids, why she’s withdrawing herself. I respected her need for space. I just cannot fathom why still? We all grieve, we all find ways to deal with it. When will she find her way? What if she doesn’t? She will be lost (to us) as well? What about the kids? 

We (both hubby and me) pray for them, but we need to do more….if there is anyone who’s gone through a similar loss, please help me understand. Please help me to help her. I am willing to do anything possible..


Comments on: "Grief without borders" (4)

  1. foot loose said:

    Very sad. OC’s idea a good one – but to get her to hear you? Confrontation? Family and friends as a group?

  2. glyofbly said:

    Just don’t take her rejecting you personaly. It is not personal.Some people just need a lot of space to deal with loss. As long as she knows you are there she will come to you when she is ready.Don’t be in her face. Just enough to make sure she knows you are there.

  3. foot loose said:

    Yes. ‘intervention’ was the word I was looking for.

  4. foot loose said:

    In UK if was really, really concerned wud go to Social Services – explain. Beta block? There are wonderful meds when you need them.

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