Sheez, it’s madness out there. Anyone who still has any Xmas shopping to do tomorrow….good bloody luck. People just get positively vicious! Eish man. Get a grip, jong, we all live here…..
Had a lovely day myself. Did my shopping. Sent the kids to movies. Cannot believe they wanted to watch Mr Bones. Seriously. Bumped into an old friend. She’s gone fat. And I was grinning from ear to ear coz I’m not fat (yet). Hopefully won’t get there while cruising through the 40’s. Anyways. Here’s my own survival tips for the holday season next year:
1. If you don’t wanna walk, don’t get upset at the guy / gal who stole your parking. Yes, they saw you waiting. But they were faster than you. Or they were driving a bulldozer. And don’t shout profanities. They may just have a baseball bat or a gun. You don’t mess with either of those. Take down everything – make, model, license plate, ALLES. Call 10111 and report your vehicle stolen. Whooohooo. What a way to get even! (PS: just don’t go in to open a case please…) Anyone using this on me next year…YOU’RE BUSTED!!
2. To the sour faced cashier – don’t smile and try making chit chat. They really don’t give a shit. They are tired and pissed off that they have to work yet again. You have a right to be pissed off at them for not being polite. So pretend the voices told you to be rude…..works wonders for your constitution
3. The parking attendant who didn’t watch your car at all – ask for change for a R5 coin. And be very serious that you still need to buy a few chappies. Seriously.
4. Pretend you’re an alien. ET if you really have to. Everyone else is bonkers, so you need to use many words and actions to make yourself clear. Try it. Works wonders.….
5. To the people who just cut in front of you at the queue. Fart and watch them squirm. But make sure it’s a good one. They will make haste (PS: I haven’t personally tried this one yet…)
6. Alternative to 5 – pretend you got a phone call. Complain about the rude asshole. Loudly. Describe what they are wearing. And watch them squirm. Love / Nil.
7. DO NOT WEAR HIGH HEELS when you know you’re going to be dashing. You can’t look hot and not be hot when running through a mall. There will be time for it later.
8. Make sure the bra straps are hidden. No panty lines. No creepers. It adds to the stress. And fasten the hair. Xmas shopping is serious stuff.
9. Leave the make up at home. Lip ice is for serious shoppers, no time to touch up and make sure the liner is on the lip. And not in your nose.
10. Make your list and stick to it. DO NOT deviate. Winging it is a sure-fire way to disaster. And more time in Xmas mad traffic. Which you obviously want to avoid.
11. If possible, put the kids in a crèche for the day. Even the 14 year olds. Keeps them out of your hair and makes them appreciate your madness more (gonna try this next year :o))
12. Stimerol. Airwaves. Whatever is stronger. Chew a few. Beats their bad breath.
Guys, check yourself before leaving: clean, pimped and sprayed. We don’t wanna smell BO. Especially not stale arses. Also, no crocs please. Or those strappy sandals. Seriously, leave them at home boyz :o)
And make sure you get the girlfriend or wife’s bra etc size. She DOES NOT (ok, maybe you’re lucky) have the perfect measurements like the mannequin advertising the wares. You’ll just get angry female all over you if it doesn’t fit. Trust me on this.
Girls, please please buy large rather than small or medium. Our guys have ego issues. You don’t wanna gamble with your .. uhm… happiness now do you?? Then again, you can explain away smaller, but not larger….