… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

The voices

Urghh, another early morning. I can get to sleep alright, but staying asleep is the problem. The voices wake me at an ungodly hour (2:30 am this morning). And refuse to leave me be. I have to shut them up. The voices remind me that I still worry about stuff.

Today its my older brother. He’s borderline alcoholic. He’s in his second marriage. It is not going so well. Sigh. I sincerely believed that I have washed my hands. Apparently not. I need to fix it. But how?

He is 43 years old for goodness sakes, he knows right from wrong. We are both products of the same upbringing, so why did it go so horribly wrong for him? He seems to be caught up in this cycle of failure….first his career, then his marriage, his children, its just never ending.

I tried speaking to him. Numerous times. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Always the same story. I don’t know what he went through with Mom & Dad. He really suffered. He misses mom. Dad is a prick. I know all of this, but when are you going to stop being a victim? Shit man, I’ve also been through my own kak, you don’t see me wallowing in self-pity.

Mom did stuff for him – like bail him out with his first fuck up at his first job. And it just continued from there. I was about 16 at the time. She protected him because he was privy to the abuse she went through. She believed she was doing him a favor by wrapping him in cotton wool.

Then it was the spectacular failure of first marriage. Mom said never to marry below “your station”. When that marriage failed I wondered if she was right all along. Ma had to keep it all together. He then fucked up his job – again. Ma bailed him out – as usual. Bought him a car to help him off. That worked out beautifully – he crashed the car coz he was drunk. He never told mom of course. Rumours abounded. She believed her little angel.

He sold out his kids (in my opinion). Gave custody to that bitch without a fight. He has two kids – beautiful son (just wrote matric) & daughter. He’s completely lost his son. Wants nothing to do with his loser father. In process of losing his daughter too….

Then came marriage nr 2 (with another woman “below his station”) – what a fuck up from the start. But hey, we couldn’t tell him that. Five years down the line I hear (from sister in law 2 & sister) that she’s busy divorcing him….I don’t think he will survive this time. He will lose everything he has – once again. So who’s left to pick up the shit?

I’ve been hearing about affairs – on both sides. From him I believe it – it’s in the genes they say. From her, well, anythings possible. He was bound to hear about it – being a Taxi Driver / Owner you are privy to all the happenings in the townships. The aunties just can’t contain themselves.

When i first heard the stories, I asked him about it. He spun his own story. She is sociable, she goes out a lot, people are going to talk (did I mention the 8 year age gap – she’s younger). She’s always in clubs & pubs. I know women need their space and can be social creatures. Not necessarily with stories arising from it. But I thought – if he loves her and they are happy it doesn’t matter, does it? 

What will happen to him if this is indeed the case? I can’t stand by and watch things fall apart. Again. 

Dad will do anything for him. Mending those broken fences, you know…but he wants nothing from him. Has said to numerous people i know “My pa is dood”….Sigh.

I’m vascillating – do I step in and help in whatever way possible. Or do I stand back and let things take it’s course. I know I can’t fix it, but do we not have a responsibility to our family? When do I stop feeling responsible?

Ok, maybe the voices are quiet now, going back to bed to try getting some sleep. Busy day ahead. Laters

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Comments on: "The voices" (2)

  1. Angelor said:

    You can do naught but wash your hands, it is easier to change the shape of a mountain than to change a man,.. Love him, there is nothing else you can do..

  2. Killakat said:

    I know you’re right, but so difficult, it feels like I am cutting off my right hand….I can do without it, but…

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