Seems like I’m just not winning this week. Today was another disastrous day in the life of…I am not normalluy a negative person, but am finding it very hard to find the bubbly, calm self residing somewhere inside. Today was totally my fault, becauz I have obviously not grown up yet. And at 37 you would think..???!!
I had a horrible fight with my 14 year old son, as he came home from school. He has just been pushing those buttons for way too long, and of course, if you keep on pushing….and it turned nasty.
I raised my hand to him for the first time. Ever. I am ashamed. I shouldn’t have, I know it, but I did it. He raised his hands to me too. This in front of his younger brother who also lost it…scared for me, coz manchild #1 is bigger, taller & stronger than me. Urgh, it was really ugly, and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I know I know, don’t call the police or child line. I am really not one of those abusive parents – but having come from an abusive background, I should know better. I will from now consciously strive to curb that temper and learn to be an example to my children. Mostly I am able to control it, today was just a complete and utter disaster. I will remember how awful I felt for days, weeks to come, and believe this will keep me in check. I will also strive to become a better parent. I am not perfect, but I am also not a terrible person. I am NOT an ABUSIVE person.
We have kissed and made up in the meantime. But the ugliness lingers.
I will have to tell his father, whom in turn, will go through the roof! But he is a much better person than I am, he will not throw tantrums or anything like that. Silent recriminations….(Sigh) the k*k we get ourselves into by not thinking things through…