… a little bit of this, that and a lot more

Seems like I’m just not winning this week. Today was another disastrous day in the life of…I am not normalluy a negative person, but am finding it very hard to find the bubbly, calm self residing somewhere inside. Today was totally my fault, becauz I have obviously not grown up yet. And at 37 you would think..???!!

I had a horrible fight with my 14 year old son, as he came home from school. He has just been pushing those buttons for way too long, and of course, if you keep on pushing….and it turned nasty.

I raised my hand to him for the first time. Ever. I am ashamed. I shouldn’t have, I know it, but I did it. He raised his hands to me too. This in front of his younger brother who also lost it…scared for me, coz manchild #1 is bigger, taller & stronger than me. Urgh, it was really ugly, and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. 

I know I know, don’t call the police or child line. I am really not one of those abusive parents – but having come from an abusive background, I should know better. I will from now consciously strive to curb that temper and learn to be an example to my children. Mostly I am able to control it, today was just a complete and utter disaster.  I will remember how awful I felt for days, weeks to come, and believe this will keep me in check. I will also strive to become a better parent. I am not perfect, but I am also not a terrible person. I am NOT an ABUSIVE person.

We have kissed and made up in the meantime. But the ugliness lingers.

I will have to tell his father, whom in turn, will go through the roof! But he is a much better person than I am, he will not throw tantrums or anything like that. Silent recriminations….(Sigh) the k*k we get ourselves into by not thinking things through…

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Comments on: "Losing your temper….." (7)

  1. violentfemme said:

    PLEASE, don’t be so hard on youself, hey? There’s a difference between abuse and a good old fashioned spanking, and my daughter respects that too. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself and you’re doing yourself more harm than anything. You’re a human being, not a bleeding “Stepford Mommy!”

  2. one-eye-only said:

    If you are 37 and your son is 14 then the age gap between the two of you is that same as me and my mom. I was the crappesy horrible little shit ever as a child and my mom lost it with me once and klapped me a few times. She felt so bad and I couldn’t understand why at the time because I thought I deserved it (because I was being so disgusting to her). She learnt not to do it again, and I grew up and realised how much I appreciate and love her.So, without sounding like I have my head completely wedged up my arse, you will be fine. It is a nasty thing to have happened, but lessons are learnt because of happenings like this. Simon.

  3. Ashleigh_Rose said:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Teens know all too well how to push you to the limit.

  4. priscillaannef said:

    Hi DB – thanks for stopping in at my blog last night. On this post of yours – my mom and I have 33 years between us and the sparks still fly between us. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less. Take care.

  5. Killakat said:

    Thanks to all of you, much appreciated, especially getting the other side of it. Guess we’re our own worst critics. Hubby blew it. Manchild # 1 grounded for a month, no PS, no friends, cell phone confiscated. Poor guy. Have a super one

  6. blanket said:

    I cannot see the harm in a hiding on the bum!! (ok for a 14 year old a bit hard to do) but everyone carries on about abuse and I cannot see how one quick “watchit” smack can be bad.as for losing my temper – weekly!!!

  7. Killakat said:

    lol!! now i definitely don’t feel bad anymore!

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